'My BF and I had an argument after his female friend gave him a Valentines Day gift.' UPDATED 2X (2024)

I figured the best way to handle this is to talk to the friend. I still have her number. I also know where she lives and works. What's holding me back from talking to her is that I'm afraid that BF told her what I said about her from our argument. What would be the best way to approach her?

TL;DR: BF and I had an argument about his friend who I made insulting and accusatory comments about and now he's refusing to talk to me. I want to make a compromise with the friend on how to get back with BF.

Commenters had a lot of thoughts and questions.

ploopanoic wrote:

He hasn't responded to you for a few days which, from your post, seems abnormal. When you said the hurtful things to him how did he react in the moment?

OP responded:

He got quiet but I can tell he was angry. I thought he going to yell but he didn't. Now he did say "I think we should break up" but he told me he thinks we should. I don't believe this is final. He's probably just needs time to think. But I want to get thru the friend first before things get worse.

ploopanoic responded:

How long have you been together?

OP responded:

Almost 4 months.

shygrl4lyf wrote:

He said he thinks you should break up. He broke up with you when he said that. He hasn't talked to you in days. It's over. Move. On. Nothing you can do. The advice you're seeking doesn't apply because he's your ex.

2SadSlime wrote:

Girl that is not your BF anymore. Leave them both alone.

SpinnerofYarn wrote:

If he said "I think we should break up," and he's ghosted you, he broke up with you. It's over. There's nothing you can say to her that will make him do anything. No, Valentine's Day isn't just for couples. I've given and received cards from friends and family my whole life for Valentine's Day and I'm old enough to be your grandmother.

OP soon added an update, which only confirmed what commenters had been saying.

Edit: Yes, he did tell me "I think we should break up and yes I called the friend a "virgin loser". And yes, she performs this Valentine gift giving tradition to all her friends and parents. I didn't mention these because I didn't think they were important. I just wanted to focus on making up with my BF. I guess I didn't see what I requested was a big deal. I didn't think it would get this serious.

There were a lot of people that were sympathetic and agreed that I was reasonable and I appreciate that sentiment. Although I would have appreciated more if they gave me the advice I asked for. That's why I came here. I guess my Valentines has become my SAD.

Considering this was the factor of our break-up, I'll stop contacting him at least until Friday. Give him a few days to reconsider. Maybe the next time he sees my text, he'll realize how much he misses me.

People stuck to their original advice.

Individual-Foxlike wrote:

In some cultures it's completely normal. For example, in Japan it's expected for women to give small gifts to men in their lives regardless of romantic interest. They call it obligation-chocolate, and it's literally just "I appreciate your presence and support."

Your original request was not entirely out of line, though you should have brought it up to your boyfriend instead of her. However, you losing your temper and saying nasty things was WAY out of line and frankly probably lost you your opportunity to reconcile.

While you're correct that the situation IS recoverable, it's only recoverable if he chooses to let it be. "I think we should break up" is normal language for a breakup. You have been dumped. You do not have a boyfriend, you have an ex. If he decides you're worth another chance, he will contact you. And if he does, you better apologize your a$$ off.

But until then? There's no relationship to fix here. It's gone. You broke it. Do not contact the other gal. Going to her first was your first mistake, so don't repeat it. Your only sliver of a chance at reconciliation is to LEAVE THEM BOTH ALONE. If you show that you can be a respectful adult, you may be granted a second chance. If you keep stepping on feelings, you won't be.

Nephy-Baby wrote:

Sorry, but this is overbearing and ridiculous. I’m 35 years old and there hasn’t been a year that I haven’t given my friends something along with my partners. Valentine’s Day isn’t about romance, it’s a Hallmark holiday intended to share love to ANYONE. I’ve read your comments, and you are setting this boundary about gifts under $10. Candy, a stuffed animal, a key chain.

Literally nothing else has happened, it’s never anything “romantic” and it’s been a tradition. Then you had the audacity to call her names because you didn’t get your way? Kind of wondering if you are the one he should be worried about.

How in the world did you get that she was “in love with him” and trying to “keep him for yourself” over a cheap gift? Did you feel this way in school when we would trade Valentines with the other kids?

Bookreader-123 wrote:

Your relationship probably ended. There is no way to fix this. He chose his friend over you so be on your way. Too bad he is good blabla he didn't choose you or validate your issues.

Six days later, OP shared another update.

Granted, I knew this was a long shot, but I decided to contact the friend. Someone suggested I show this post to my BF, but I didn't do that because I thought he would ignore it just like all my other texts and calls. Instead I decided to show some of the replies I gotten to show the friend that this is weird behavior between friends.

I'd ask if she can just be honest for once that she may actually do in fact have feelings for my BF. She replied that she would like to speak in private and invited me to her apartment. This all happened yesterday. What I thought would be a conversation about trying to understand each other instead turned into a big dunk on me.

She told me the reason she's telling me this to my face instead of thru a text is because since I'm acting immature about this whole thing, I'm going to talk to you like a child. She felt that even just the little things about her life that I shared with strangers and then showed their distorted judgment towards her was wrong.

"Pretty sure you'll share this too but as soon as I finish what I said here and you walk out of here, I'm blocking your number and try not to think of you ever again just like BF's name is trying to do." I then brought up some family issues she would share whenever she wants just to get sympathy.

She yelled at me and said that's her life that she shares with her friends and said I'm talking about her life to strangers to get your own sympathy.

She then said "Unlike you I don't judge people's value based on relationship status or if they have s*x or not. BF's name is an awesome person. He deserves every good thing in his life. I thought you can be one of them. I thought you were a funny and sweet person and I liked how you made him smile. Now whenever he thinks about you, he gets upset."

"And by the way, you two are definitely over. And no, I'm not going to help you understand about my lack of love life. There's nothing to understand. This is my life and you're not involved in it and you'll never will be. And you'll never be involved in BF's name ever again."

I was trying not to cry during this berating. Even when I broke down she still kept talking while I couldn't even get a word in. I said I just want to talk to him but she kept telling me to get out. When I calmed down a little in my car I called my BF. It automatically goes to voicemail. That's never happened before. I called again and it goes to voicemail. I think he finally blocked me. I think we are over.

I think it took me like 30 minutes to feel ok to drive. My friends/roommates tried to comfort me but I was too exhausted so I just took a nap. I'm still not feeling all that great but I'm gonna try to move on.

TL;DR: Update with my BF and his friend. I think we're done. And I'm moving on.

The internet did not hold back.

pvellamagi wrote:

I'm so confused, I clicked the link and read the comments and I'm just so baffled how you read all that and somehow thought internet strangers were on your side? Like what kind of insane cherry picking did you do to find comments that supported your stance?

Tryintobgood wrote:

She did the same thing on Reddit as she did in her relationship. She only paid attention to the things she wanted and discarded everything else. Even after everything that's happened she still thinks she is the victim. Best thing to come of this is her BF has realized exactly what kind of person to avoid in a relationship.

tmchd wrote:

"Instead I decided to show some of the replies I gotten to show the friend that this is weird behavior between friends."

You must've dug deep to find those. Because majority of us in the previous post, told you to NOT harass/contact her and to leave it be. You refused the majority/consensus opinion. I'd say over 95% already told you that he's broken up with you and to not approach her again since you screwed it up by approaching her and yet you just chose to not listen.

But some people, i.e, you, do not listen to common sense advice and have to do the 'hard' way, and got berated by his friend, whom, imo, had every right to get upset at you. SIGH. Move on move on. Finally, you're going to take the advice of many who told you to just move on.

ETA: By the way, OP's ex's friend, if you find this post, you got it right. OP here is acting immature. She called you names, ignored the consensus that she should not have harassed you and her ex-bf. It's very nice of you to basically tell her to her face. I would've just blocked her and if she kept harassing me, I'd probably just get an RO or something akin to that in the end.

Consolewrite_wtf wrote:

You called her a “virgin loser,” she’s generous for even giving you the time of day. You want to talk sh*t AND you want to cry about it when those words have consequences? Pick a lane.

This is a big yikes all around.